Waiting

I think I've mentioned that the future is coming. And things are going to change. And I'm excited for the things I can't wait for. And terrified for the things I can.

I can't wait to be out of here, to be in college, where I don't have to be home at a certain time and I can eat whatever I want. Although I'm not sure I can completely trust myself as far as food goes. I can't wait to be somewhere I don't have to watch my siblings treat my mom the way they shouldn't.

I can wait to say goodbye to the people who have meant the most to me. I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of more goodbyes. I've said too many already.

I can't wait to turn 18 and go clubbing with my friends who already have. Sometimes it's hard being months younger than the rest of the seniors. Graduates. College freshmen? Moving on.

I can wait to start packing up my bedroom and cleaning out years of memories, laughter, and heartache. They've made me who I am. I can't take most of it to college, and although I don't want to throw away all my sentimental stuff, the truth is I'd probably never miss it after it was gone and I need everything I don't bring to fit in the closet under the stairs.

I can't wait to finally get Netflix and be able to watch Star Trek as much as I want to. Actually, that's not a priority, but I'd still like it because I am totally a Trekkie. Oh crap, I don't know if I'll even have a TV at college. Crap.

I can wait to stop having the park so close by. It's become my safe place, and it'll be weird not being able to walk there every day if I just need a break. I have a feeling the cemetery will become my new safe place, and I'm all right with that, even though it sounds more than a little morbid.

I can't wait to see if I get a letter back and find out if she meant what she said and if I mean as much to her as she means to me. If I can write her letters then maybe I don't have to say goodbye.

I can wait to lose the piano. Even though I'm the only one who ever plays it at home, I don't think I'll have room for it in the dorm. Which is unfortunate, but I should consider myself lucky that there are other options for where I can play. But still, it's not quite the same.

I can't wait to see them again and find out if things change in the years they're gone. I'm afraid they will, but I hope they don't, because I've already said goodbye once and I'd hate to have to say it again for real.

I can wait to no longer have a car and use the bus system to get everywhere. Or maybe use a bike. I always liked biking, but I never used it as a method of actually transportation before, it was more of an enjoyment thing.

I can't wait to stop keeping secrets that shouldn't need to be kept, but I wonder if not having to keep them to myself will make them seem less special.

I can wait to start paying my own bills. It's too bad that I have to have responsibility along with independence. But that's part of growing up and I think having responsibility will make me more responsible.

I can't wait to meet someone and fall in love. Maybe I already know him or maybe not, but either way, perhaps he can start to fill the hole in my heart.

I can wait to meet someone and fall in love. If I love someone I'm giving him the power to hurt me. He could help fill the hole or he could make it bigger. And I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision that I'm worried I'll never make that decision at all.

I can wait for him to leave. I don't want to forget his laughter before I even have time to commit it to memory. I don't want to have only the feeling of his arms around me to hold onto. I don't want to say goodbye again.

I can't wait to make it to Paris. I've been dreaming of Paris for over a year. But believe me when I say that I will go there. It may not be for a year or five or ten, but it will happen, because how could it not?

I can't wait to find out where my true home is. I think once I get away from the house I've come to call home I can figure out what home really is to me. Maybe it's not a house but a church. Or maybe it's not even a building. Maybe it's a city. New York or Paris. I hope I find out. 

And I think I'm almost done waiting.