Understand Me Better

If you really knew me, you'd know I used to wish my hair was straight and blonde, but over the last year I've fallen in love with the soft curl of my brown hair and the feeling of it falling over my shoulders. With the way it looks kind of golden in the sunlight and the way the wind blows it across my face.

You'd know that I wish my hair was long but then when I get it cut I usually take off four to six inches because I want someone to notice.

You'd know I got glasses after I graduated and that I like them.

You'd know that I don't really like shopping. That might just be because I don't usually have the money for it.

You'd know that I work around the clock, up at all hours of the night and day because I feel like I have to be tightly stuck to a militaristic schedule or I'll waste my time. You'd know I waste time anyway.

If you really knew me you'd know that I mostly go to Starbucks to make my parents worry a little. You'd also know that I actually do love Starbucks, even though maybe I'm not supposed to.

You'd know I like tank tops and fake tattoos and I only feel a little bit guilty about it.

You'd know that I've become happier since I started caring less what other people think.

You'd know know that I love listening to Spanish love ballads and that, strangely, sad music helps my soul.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm afraid to fall in love and get married, but that I feel deeply lonely thinking that it might not happen. You'd know I've tried not to love people because it hurts more often than not. You'd know I gave up on not loving people.

You'd know I've made a habit of crying on my way home from work late at night because it makes me feel better. You'd know I've also developed a habit of going to the creek for a little while every afternoon because it feels like home.

You'd know that I'm afraid of falling but not of flying.

You'd know that I'm an honest person but it's hard sometimes because I'm a really good liar.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not mad at you for not knowing these things, I'm mad at myself for not letting you know them. You'd know that the reason I try not to let people in is because I'm afraid of being rejected, and you'd know that I tend to end up letting people in anyway.

You'd know I have things I want to do this summer but I haven't gotten around to planning them.

You'd know I don't do well in group settings.

If you really knew me, you'd know I feel the most beautiful when I can't see myself in the mirror. You'd also know that the only person I really need to think I'm beautiful is me.

If only you really knew me. You'd know I just want you to understand me better.