Seven

Do you want to know how many times this week I've wished I could rewind time?

I'm going to tell you anyway.

Seven. And it's only Tuesday.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I just got in a car wreck on my way to work and went into a coma and never woke up. Because then I wouldn't actually have to deal with life. I could just slip away without even knowing that's what I was doing.

No, I'm not suicidal, just struggling.

There is nothing I want more than to be around people right now, but the thought fills me with dread. I don't think I could handle myself around people right now. To tell the truth, I don't think I deserve anyone. I'm not good enough for the people who somehow still say they want to be around me.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. But I don't think so.

And since I'm leaving for 12 hours early tomorrow morning, maybe I'll have time to sort out my feelings and I won't feel so undeserving of every good thing in my life when I get back.

But for right now I'm going to stay at home trying to come to terms with myself while I watch Star Trek with my mom and play solitaire. Have you ever noticed that 'solitaire' sounds kind of like 'solitude'? It's because solitaire is a lonely game and solitude is a lonely thing. 

I've been playing for the last hour and a half. I have a winning streak of 6 games and I want to keep going strong but my stock pile doesn't have an eight of spades and the ace of clubs is buried somewhere in the uncovered cards. So I'm kind of stuck.

If only that were the worst of my problems. You know, the fact that I'm sitting here playing solitaire is a worse problem than the fact that I'm not sure how to win the game.

I found the ace of clubs and my winning streak is now at 7 games. I've won 76.67% of the games I've played in the last three days and it's pathetic that I'm even saying that, but like I said before, solitaire is a lonely game.

And even though it's entirely my own fault, I'm feeling very lonely right now.