Motion Picture Friendship

I got a letter from him the other day. I felt the tears pool in my eyes. I closed them and remembered.

Rewind.

The first time I ever had a real  conversation with him. We convinced him to come with us and he sang along with me as I played the piano. He danced with a sad old woman and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

Fast forward.

Uncertainty over whether or not we could actually be friends. He swept me into his arms and ran down the hall singing to me. I invited him to come surprise a friend but he had work. We started calling each other.

Play.

I waited for him to pick me up. He did. He drove me to the overlook. He told me about his favorite music group and I told him about the problems in my love life. He read me poetry and told me about his mistakes. And I trusted him because I knew I could.

Fast forward.

He met me at the park and I read him a poem. I called him on the way to work. He called at two in the morning. I went to his house. He played the guitar and sang to me. I helped him pack the lunch for his date. He asked me if he looked all right. I told him he did. He was adorably nervous.

Play. 

Worst shift ever. I called him and he met me in a parking lot. I couldn't talk because I was crying too hard. He waited patiently while I cried into his shoulder. He kept his arm around me and stroked my hair. He helped me figure out what was wrong and almost convinced me to go get something to eat with him. But I went home. I didn't tell my parents.

Fast forward.

Numerous games of phone tag. I surprised him at work. Late night conversations. He met me at the park again to talk. I couldn't believe he was my friend. He came to a play with me and my sister. She's the only member of my family who's ever met him. We went out for shakes afterward. He was going to pay but they were free.

Play.

He took me out to eat when I was having an awful day. He listened while I talked and then gave me relationship advice. Meaning advice on how to deal with my would-be ex-crush. He took me back to my car and I went home feeling much better. I didn't tell my parents.

Fast forward.

I called him during school. He listened. He tried to help me work through my problems and it mostly worked.

Play.

I saw him unexpectedly and ran into his arms for a hug. He lifted me up and spun me around.

Pause.

I was happy to see him. And he was happy to see me too.

Play.

We met in another parking lot at 10:30. We didn't have long but it was all right.

Mute.

What we said wasn't important. Or it was too important to me to share it. But I felt safe there.

Unmute.

I called him while I waited to pick up my mom from the airport. We talked for almost half an hour. I stopped being afraid to call after that. I stopped worrying when he didn't pick up the phone.

Fast forward. Play.

He picked me up around midnight. Frank Sinatra playing in the background. I didn't tell my parents.

Pause. Fast forward.

It hurts to remember so much.

Play.

Overwhelmed by guilt. I called him. He told me never to blame myself because it wasn't my fault. I felt a little better.

Fast forward. Play.

He visited me at work, and when I got off we drove down State Street looking for 24-hour Chinese food. The nearest one was in Vegas. We considered driving there but decided against it. I got home after midnight. I didn't tell my parents.

Fast forward.

The last time it felt normal. All I knew was that I needed to see him one more time to return something I had of his.

Play.

I showed up at his house to give it back, but mostly to say goodbye. Now I wish I hadn't given it back because then I'd still have a piece of him to hold onto. It scared him to see me sitting on his porch. He found out how well I know him. I found out how well he knows me. We exchanged too many 'goodbyes' and 'I love yous' and 'I'll miss yous.' After he left I went to the overlook and finally cried. When I feel alone I go there. I feel less alone. I feel closer to him. But I wish I could have gotten one more hug.

Stop.

I got a letter from him the other day. There were tears in my eyes because he told me to hold on, that I've always been strong. That's because I always felt strong around him. But I don't feel strong now. I feel terrified.

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I got a letter from you the other day. I felt the tears in my eyes. When I opened them I let the tears fall. 

I miss you.